A lawyer, engineer and surgeon were debating theology.
Specifically, what profession did God belong to?|
1) The surgeon: "Eve was created when God took a rib out of Adam. This is the first recorded surgical procedure".
2) The engineer: "True, but prior to that, He created, or designed and built, the world out of the void and chaos. That makes Him an engineer".
3) The lawyer: "Agreed, BUT, Who created the void and chaos?"
An Ethical Dilemma. You are taking a mid-morning break from work, walking through a nearby park with a newspaper in one hand and a fresh cup of coffee in the other. Twenty yards to your right you spot a prominent divorce lawyer being mauled by a stray pit bull dog. Twenty yards to your left you then discover an equally prominent criminal defense attorney being attacked by muggers.
a) Finish your coffee, or
b) Sit down and read the paper?
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.
When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
A secretary, a paralegal and a partner in a city law firm are walking through a park on their way to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."
"Me first! Me first!" says the secretary. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world. Poof! She's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the paralegal. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.
"You're next," the Genie says to the partner. The partner says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
How many lawyers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Six. Five to prepare the environmental impact report, one to get the secretary to do it.
A truck driver was driving down the highway when he saw an elderly priest at the side of the road. He stopped to give him a ride. Further down the road the truck driver saw a lawyer along the side of the road, and turned the truck on a direct course to hit him. Then he thought, "Wait, I have a priest in the truck. I can't run down that lawyer." So at the last second the truck driver swerved to miss him. Although he thought he hadn't hit the lawyer, the truck driver still heard a thump outside of the truck. He looked in his mirror and saw the lawyer laying unconscious on the side of the road.
Ashamed for what he had done, the truck driver turned to the priest and said "I'm so sorry Father, I really tried to miss that lawyer."
The priest said, "Don't worry son, I got him with my door."
How expensive were Jeffrey Dahmer's lawyers?
They cost him an arm and a leg
An apocryphal story arose from the September 11 terrorist attacks. It seems that a partner with a major law firm in the World Trade Center towers went out to a rendezvous with his mistress that morning. The couple met in a nearby motel on Long Island where they enjoyed each other's company for a number of hours without any sort of interruption. Just before noon, the attorney and his companion decided to part company. He turned on his cell phone which immediately started ringing. The lawyer answered it. His wife, obviously distressed, asked him where he was, saying that she had been trying to contact him all morning. He tried calming her down, reassuring her that everything was as it should be, that he was at his office.
How do you get a lawyer down from a tree?
Cut the rope.
A small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial -- a grandmotherly, elderly woman.
He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you will never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"
She replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. The man can"t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."
At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"
A man buys a stray dog from the pound, but has no idea how to train it. He goes to a highly recommended obedience school. The dean of this school takes him on the tour, reassuring him that the dogs "are actually trained to be like their owners".
By way of demonstration, the man is escorted to an enclosed play area outside by the kennel. There are a pile of bone-shaped doggie treats in the middle of the play area. One dog comes in, and stacks and arranges the treats into a miniature two-room cabin. The dean explains thusly: "That dog's owner is an architect".
A second dog comes in, spots the cabin. It looks around it for a minute or so, and then collects a few tree branches, flowers, and tufts of grass from around the play area and skillfully arranges them as if they were trees, flowers and lawn, around the cabin. "That one's proud owner is a landscape designer and gardener".
The dean, the prospective customer and the two dogs then do nothing but wait for another two hours. Then a third dog walks in, promptly mounts both dogs, then knocks down the cabin and all its decorations and eats all the treats there. The man looks at the dean then asks: "My ex's divorce lawyer?".
A clergyman, doctor and lawyer all die and arrive simultaneously at The Pearly Gates. St. Peter meets them and explains "Congratulations on making it this far. However, you each have to answer one question correctly to get in."
To the clergyman: "What was the worst shipping disaster in history?"
"That's easy. The Titanic."
"OK, you can go in"
To the doctor: "How many died?"
"Close enough, welcome to Heaven."
To the lawyer: "OK, name them".
A prominent mob boss, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his accountant. The mobster asks the accountant, "Where's the three million bucks you embezzled from me?" The accountant doesn't answer. The mobster asks again, "Where's the three million bucks you embezzled from me?"
The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf-mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you."
The mobster says, "Well, ask him where the @#!* money is."
The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the three million dollars is. The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you're talking about." The attorney interprets to his client, "He doesn't know what you're talking about."
The mobster pulls out a pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him again where the @#!* money is!"
The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!" The accountant signs back, "Okay! Okay! The money's hidden in a suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!"
The mobster says, "Well, what did he say?"
The attorney interprets to the mob boss, "He says that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."
A woman walks into a post office one day to see a man standing at the counter placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying each envelope. The woman goes up to the man and asks him what he is doing. He replies, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed 'Guess who?'". "But why?" she asks. "I'm a divorce lawyer".
Two lawyers are in a bank when armed robbers burst in. The customers, including the attorneys, are thrown up against a wall and the robbers proceed to grab their wallets, watches, jewelry and so forth. While this is going on, the first lawyer jams something into the second one's hand. Without looking down, the second lawyer whispers, "What's this?" The first lawyer replies, "It's the $50 I owe you."
Why did the lawyer's chicken cross the road? He had an easement.
An attorney is felled with a heart attack and has to undergo emergency bypass surgery. The procedure is successful, and he subsequently awakens in a private hospital room with the shades and blinds tightly drawn. A nurse comes in, and he asks her why the windows were closed like that. She replies: "There"s this five-alarm fire blazing across the street, and we didn't want you to think the operation was a failure when you woke up."
A lawyer dies and goes to Hell. Upon arrival in the Inferno, he is guided by a demon to his punishment cell. They pass one cell that features, of all things, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde being ravished by, of all people, the lawyer's former partner. The lawyer turns to the demon and asks: "What's with this? My old partner was easily more corrupt than I was. He bribed judges, suborned perjury, staged accidents, and commingled client funds, things I only dreamed of doing!"
The demon replies: "Quiet! Who are you to judge that woman's punishment?"
You Need A New Lawyer When....
1. During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.
2. He tells you that his last good case was a "Budweiser."
3. When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.
4. He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."
5. During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.
6. He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger."
7. A prison guard is shaving your head.
8. Every couple of minutes he yells, "I call Jack Daniels to the stand!" and proceeds to drink a shot.
9. He frequently gives juror No. 4 the finger.
10. He places a large "No Refunds" sign on the defense table.
11. He begins closing arguments with, "As Ally McBeal once said ..."
12. He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v. Mothra.
13. Just before trial starts he whispers, "The judge is the one with the little hammer, right?"
14. Just before he says "Your Honor," he makes those little quotation marks in the air with his fingers.
15. The sign in front of his law office reads "Practicing Law Since 2:25 PM."
16. Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge, "Whatever."
17. He giggles every time he hears the word "briefs."
How many lawyer jokes are there?
Three. The rest are true stories.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
One's a slimy, cold-blooded scum-sucking bottom feeder. The other's a fish.
What's the problem with lawyer jokes?
Lawyers don't think they're funny, and everybody else thinks they're not jokes.
A doctor and a lawyer got into a car accident, on a small country road. The lawyer had figured that nobody else would be on the road, and had raced through a stop sign. The doctor, on a cross street, had no time to react and couldn't have missed the lawyer if he had tried. Fortunately, neither driver was hurt.
The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from his battered car and offered him a drink from a hip flask.The doctor accepted, took a deep drink, and handed the flask back to the lawyer. The lawyer held the flask for a minute or two, and gave it to the doctor again. The doctor took another swig. He again returned the flask to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away.
"Aren't you going to have a drink yourself?" asked the doctor.
"Not now," answered the lawyer. "I'll have something after the police leave."
Q: What is a contingent fee?
A: A contingent fee means, if the lawyer doesn't win your suit, he gets nothing. If the lawyer does win it, you get nothing.
A lawyer died. At the same moment, the Pope also died. They arrived at the gates of heaven at the same moment. They spend the day in orientation, and as they're getting their heavenly vestments, the Pope gets a plain white toga and wings, like everyone else, and the lawyer gets much finer apparel, made of gold thread, and Gucci shoes.
Then, they get to see where they're going to live(?).The Pope gets what everyone else gets, a replica of a Holiday Inn room, and the lawyer gets an 18 room mansion with servants and a swimming pool.
At dinnertime, the Pope receives the standard fare, a Manischewitz kosher TV dinner, and the lawyer receives a fine and tasty meal, served on silver platters.
By this time, the lawyer is beginning to suspect that an error has been made, so he asks one of the angels in charge, "Has there been some kind of mistake? This guy was the Pope, and he gets what everyone else gets, and I'm just a lawyer and I'm getting the finest of everything?"
The angel replied, "No mistake, sir. We've had lots of popes here, but you're the first lawyer we've ever had."
Two tigers were stalking through the jungles of Asia. Suddenly, the one to the rear reached out with his tongue, and licked the posterior of the tiger in front of him. The startled front tiger turned and said, "Cut it out." The rear tiger apologized, and they continued onward.
About five minutes later, it happened again. The front tiger turned, growling, "I said stop it." The rear tiger again apologized, and they continued.
Another five minutes passed, and again the front tiger felt the unwanted tongue. The front tiger turned, giving the rear tiger a ferocious glare, angrily hissing, "What is it with you?"
The rear tiger replied, "I'm sorry -- I really didn't mean to offend you. But I just ate a lawyer and I'm trying to get the taste out of my mouth!"
A young man is nursing a drink in the local single's bar when a young woman of great beauty walks up and takes the stool next to him. He buys her a drink, and they strike up a conversation. Into the talk, she volunteers that "I could just screw you or anyone else, it doesn't matter to me, it doesn't matter where, right now."
He replies: "And which law firm are you with?"
The City of Burbank sent its police chief, fire chief, and city attorney to a municipal management conference in Fresno. While driving through rural Kern County, their car broke down, and they sought assistance at a nearby farmhouse. The farmer told them that the local garage was closed, and that they were welcome to spend the night, but that he only had one spare bed. He told them that somebody could sleep on his couch, but that one of them would have to spend the night in his barn.
The police chief announced that he would volunteer to sleep in the barn. A short time later there was a knock at the door. It was the police chief, complaining that he could not sleep. There were pigs in the barn, and they reminded him of insults that had been yelled at him, and he was too disturbed to sleep.
The fire chief stated that he would trade with the police chief, and went out to the barn. A short time later, again there was rapping at the door. It was the fire chief, who complained that the cows in the barn reminded him of Mrs. O'Leary's cow, that started the great Chicago fire. He tried to sleep, but kept having nightmares where they kicked over lanterns and set the barn ablaze.
The city attorney declared, "You two are such babies. I will go sleep in the barn." Everything seemed fine, until a few minutes later, when another knock was heard at the door. When the occupants answered the door, they found the very indignant cows and pigs.
A man walked into a bar, leading an alligator by a leash. He asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?"
"Sure do," said the bartender.
"Good," replied the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."
Actual trial questions and answers:
Q: "Is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
Q: "All your responses must be oral, okay? What school did you go to?"
Q: "Do you recall the time you examined the body?"
Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"
Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
More Courtroom Colloquy:
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and
asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
Several attorneys are in the conference room of an all-male firm. A cell phone on the table rings and a partner enages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
The partner hangs up as the other men in the room look at him in astonishment. Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and prepare for an emergency landing. A few minutes later the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready. "All set back here," came the reply, "except for one lawyer who's still passing out business cards."
A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial - it went like this:
Q. "Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?"
Jack decided to go skiing with his lawyer friend, Bob. They loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently "widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said. "Well be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light,"
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from another attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the lawyer of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north?"
"Yes, I do.
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."
(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?)
At the onset of the Iraqi War, an attorney, who was an army reservist, was called up to serve in the tank cavalry. In the heat of the short battle, he was driving the tank up one side of a dune. Ascending the other side of the same dune was an Iraqi tank.
Both vehicles collide at the crest and come to a stop. The Iraqi gets out of his tank, drops his rifle and throws up his arms, yelling "I surrender, I surrender!" The American attorney scrambles out, grabs his own neck and cries out "Whiplash, whiplash!".
Note: A generally reliable source claims the following is a true story:
A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire.
Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the attrorney filed a claim against the insurance company in which stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires."
The insurer refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.
The lawyer sued and won.
The Judge noted the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars, without any qualification or exception, were insured against fire. This obligated the insurer to honor the claim.
Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000.00 for the loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."
However, after the attorney cashed the check, the insurer had him arrested on 24 counts of arson. With his own insurace claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000.00 fine.